A Letter To My Stepdaughter On The Verge Of Motherhood

A Letter To My Stepdaughter On The Verge Of Motherhood

I talked to you twice yesterday, for a half-hour each time. Each conversation ended with you saying, “I love you.” Your sideways half-hugs have turned into full embraces. I can’t adequately express how happy such outward affection makes me.

Remember when you and Grandma made those turkey magnets out of fake leaves and straw? Meins steht das ganze Jahr über in unserem Kühlschrank. One of its googly eyes is missing, but its felt feet and ribbon bow tie are intact.

On the back, you wrote, “I like you.” That was progress.

I have always loved you, even when you weren’t speaking to me. Even when you scratched my face out of a family picture. Even when you slammed the door and said, “You’re not my real mom.” Even when we fought about school and grades. Even when you were a teenager and didn’t come home at night, and Dad and I stayed up all night scared to death, wondering where you were.

Obwohl ich schreie und weine, habe ich dich geliebt. I wanted the best for you. Ich wollte mehr als alles andere, dass du glücklich bist. Who would have thought it would be your unplanned pregnancy that would have brought us this close and brought you so much happiness. It’s been wonderful watching you mature, seeing you and your love share such excitement over being young parents.

Our recent outing to get you some maternity clothes was the most enjoyable shopping trip we’ve ever had. There was no arguing about whether something was too short, tight, or too expensive. You were so grateful, so concerned about the cost.

You call me to ask about nursing, talk about your doctor’s appointments and your fear about the birthing process. Our conversations are more fun, more in-depth, and more meaningful.

You’ve grown up so much since I first met you when you were 5, all freckles and crooked teeth and attitude covering up your sadness. Your dad fought so hard to bring you to live with us, and you couldn’t wait. Als wir zur verabredeten Zeit ankamen, saßen Sie mit Ihrer Oma am Straßenrand und hatten alle Ihre Habseligkeiten bereit, für die fünfstündige Fahrt ins Auto geladen zu werden.

You were so excited to move to a new city with your dad. You weren’t quite as excited about having a stepmom. Ich habe mir diese Rolle auch nie vorgestellt. But I met your sweet dad and you, his beautiful daughter, and I never thought twice about bringing you home. I wanted to immediately envelop you in love and make our home yours, this family yours. I dreamed of your future, made plans for you, considered you mine.

At our wedding, I wanted to include a special time to symbolize not only our marriage but also the coming together of this family. Ich suchte nach dem perfekten Geschenk, und als du zu uns am Altar kamst, schenkten wir dir ein silbernes Bettelarmband mit drei Herzen darauf – eines für jeden von uns – und ich versprach, dich zu haben und zu umarmen, in guten wie in schlechten Zeiten.

There were plenty of both as you and I got to know each other. Ich denke, wir werden beide zugeben, dass wir einige turbulente Zeiten überstanden haben, Sie und ich, und dass wir gestärkt und wertschätzender für den anderen daraus hervorgegangen sind.

I had a lot to learn. There’s no stepmom manual, so I did what felt right. I figured if I did all the things with you that I remembered doing with my mom, that it would make us mother and daughter. I bought you my favorite books from my childhood. Each has an inscription I wrote and dated, starting with the first Christmas I knew you and the first birthday I celebrated with you.

But you didn’t want to cuddle and read with me, didn’t like it when I sang, “Good morning, good morning!” when I woke you up for school. Du mochtest meine albernen Lieder nie wirklich. Du hast bei meinen Witzen die Augen verdreht. You only wanted Dad to tuck you in at night, so I just told you—as my parents did every night when I was growing up—“Sleep tight, see you in the morning, love you, goodnight.” You never said it back, but I kept trying.

In jedem Urlaub oder Feiertag habe ich einen besonderen Anhänger für dieses Hochzeitsarmband ausgewählt, der mich an Sie erinnerte, an den Ort, an dem Sie sich damals in Ihrem Leben befanden: einen Roller, einen Fußball, eine Sandburg.

I planned birthday parties at Chuck E. Cheese’s and skating rinks, made that SpongeBob Halloween costume, and had your friends over. I cheered the first time you crossed the monkey bars by yourself, took you on your first plane ride, and bought you pads when your period started.

Ich habe Sie am „Nehmen Sie Ihre Tochter mit zur Arbeit“-Tag in meine Praxis mitgenommen, bin zu Schulkonferenzen gegangen, habe Ihre Weihnachtsstrümpfe und Osterkörbe mit Ihren Lieblingssachen gefüllt und bin mit Ihnen zum Kieferorthopäden gegangen, um Ihnen die Zahnspange einsetzen zu lassen.

All of this I did in the hopes of finding the thing that really connected us and proving to you that I really did have your back.

You were so different from me when I was younger. Schlank und von Natur aus sportlich, mit glänzendem, langem kastanienbraunem Haar und dunklen Augen, sind Sie eine natürliche Schönheit, die perfekt zu Röhrenjeans und Bikinis passt. I was a chubby, self-conscious girl who always had to shop in the plus size section and hated buying clothes. I tried every sport and was more than once voted “Most Inspirational” because I put in such effort without ever actually being good. Du hast in jeder Sportart, die du ausprobiert hast, hervorragende Leistungen erbracht. Du bist mit einer solchen Geschwindigkeit über das Fußballfeld gelaufen, dass ich in Ehrfurcht geriet, und du hast es in die Volleyballmannschaft geschafft, obwohl du diesen Sport noch nie zuvor gespielt hast.

And through it all, even our happiest days, you longed for your mom. I asked myself over and over, Why is all she has with us not enough? Not her own room, decorated especially for her, not the undefeated basketball and volleyball teams, not the BFF she texts with incessantly, not the little brother who adores her.

This article was originally published on May 23, 2016